by ALEC JACKSON - June 1, 2021 - Answering Your Desperate Cries For Attention
Ever since I ascended to superstardom off the back of my piece “The Sandlerverse,”people have been begging for me to tell them what to do. Watching every single piece of Adam Sandler media destroyed my mind and grades for a solid month. You’d think that would be a red flag, but I guess it’s not, so here are some requests from my fans.
“Would PVA glue or Super Glue be better for gluing wood?”- Mallory from Ohio
How would I know? Google it or something. Maybe if you picked a better state to live in this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.
“Oh god, I’m gonna get fired if I can’t come up with a movie pitch in fifteen minutes! I should have just taken that plumbing apprenticeship! Why didn’t I take the apprenticeship?” - Anonymous from Hollywood
Forget about being fired. In fact, remember being promoted. You’re about to get a new smash hit called Zombies vs Robots: Prom. Remember in Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride how those two warring factions interfered with star crossed lovers? I thought that was a touching idea which hasn’t been explored enough. We set up the Zombies vs Robots Prom Cinematic Universe (ZVRPCU) with a Netflix original series where a zombie learns to love himself for who he is. It will be artsy and everyone will love it. Unfortunately, we had to cut him from the movie to add in a 25 minute scene of a robot reading a phonebook out loud. Trust me, it’s worth it.
“I’m going on my first date next week. How do I prepare? What do girls like?” - Sam from Romania
I’ve been on three first dates and zero second ones. I also once professionally wrestled a man named Doctor Love. The first thing you have to realize is that girls respond to two things: magic tricks and frog trivia. It’s not going to hurt if you spend the week before consuming every single piece of Adam Sandler media. Through osmosis, his comedic genius will seep into your brain. You should look to chain a magic trick into an Adam Sandler reference and then a frog fact before she can even react to the magic trick. This is so there’s no chance you’ll have an emotional response.
“I can see you through your window. Let me in.” - Guy standing in my backyard
His derangement has really impressed me over the past couple weeks. I’m officially appointing that guy as my official stalker. Congratulations man, you earned it.
“My brother used to beat me at Mario Super Sluggers every game. He’s coming home from college for the summer, and I really want to win a game. How do I get better at sluggin’?” - Simon from New Zealand
My psychic visions already told me how this question is going to go. Trust me when I say it’s not worth it.
“What is the best animal?”- Jennifer from Louisiana
I would say alien, gremlin, or goblin—in that order.
“I usually love questions for pondering, but people expect me to actually answer them now that I got a job as an advice columnist. None of the jokes I’ve written even fit in the format. How can I get out of this?” - Alan Johnson from Illinois
This is a tough question for me to answer, because it’s so wildly different from any situation I’ve ever been in. I’ve just been too busy crushing it as an internet micro celebrity, largely due to performance enhancers. Go ahead. Test me. I’ll test positive, and no one’s going to care. If you keep bringing up Adam Sandler people will eventually stop talking to you. I hope that solves your problem.
“Do you recommend playing the lottery?” - Jerold from Mars
The lottery is similar to health insurance in the sense that they’re both sucker’s games. While I have the microphone, I’d like to discuss a question first posed by Simon Fields (12) and Thomas Piggot (12). Why is Sports Clips not more sports themed? They play baseball or Mario Super Sluggers on the TVs, sure, but the main service of hair cutting is far too conceptually distant. I’m always confused the entire time, even on receiving haircuts performance enhancers (Yes, that’s a real product). They have an ethical responsibility to only cut hair into the shape of footballs and etch phrases like “Let’s play ball!” on the sides.
Your problems are solved and my Lantern career is over. I’m off to make the big bucks in the booming industry of free-to-access print media. There’s also a Da Vinci Code-esque puzzle embedded in all six articles that will lead you to $161 billion. Stay fresh, cheese bags.