Three unique ways to spend your Saturday night
Finn Wagner
Staff Writer
April 26, 2024
There may be no greater humbling than scrolling through your TikTok for-you page and seeing couples all snazzed up for Prom, meanwhile, you are sitting with bed head and a half gallon of Blue Bell ice cream melting on your arm. To ensure we steer clear of that now-old-all-time-low, I have a few suggestions for the night.
Cattle tipping (vegans not included)
Now you may be asking, “What’s Cattle tipping?” If that’s the case, boy do I have some news for you. As defined by Wikipedia, cattle tipping is “the purported activity of sneaking up on an unsuspecting or sleeping upright cow and pushing it over for entertainment.” Sounds like a real hoot. Now I understand the moral deficiency that one must contain to seek enjoyment in such criminal acts, however, you have to have fun prom night somehow.
Fortunately, if this is a song you can jiggy to, there are hardly any supplies needed. A good starter kit will cost about $20, and it can be found at any Goodwill in the Indianapolis Metropolitan area. All you will need is a greatly oversized set of overalls, the more stained the better (green=good is my rule of thumb) and a pair of boots. I have heard stories of people wearing ghillie suits for a night out on the farm but I think that is a bit too overkill. Before you set out, remember, I, the writer of this piece, cannot be held liable for any crimes you choose to commit, because I have an alibi (I’ll be at prom sucka.) If this isn’t floatin’ your boat, maybe the next will fix that itch.
Here’s a tip for ya! - Bored men on prom day ruin some poor cow’s days.
Begin a personality transformation
I truly cannot think of a better time to reinvent yourself than an all-time low. My therapist always tells me not to make important decisions when feeling extremely down, but what does he know anyway? I say do it. Dye your hair, shave your head, wax that mustache, and everyone will think you are the coolest kid around (you may even start the next big trend!)
To be honest, I maybe wouldn’t recommend changing your appearance, but I can’t stop you. I would argue, however, that manifesting that built-up energy into positive outlets—meditation, journaling, creating an indie music act—will be much less regretful when you eventually return to your typical, no-longer-alone-prom-night state.
Connect with the undead
Who among us hasn’t had a spooky encounter; a flickering light, a moving shower curtain, a ghost pirate that watches you for hours as you sleep, but it scares 7-year-old you, so obviously, you can’t sleep, and instead of hiding under the covers you stare at him for far too long hoping he vanishes but he doesn’t and now you can’t sleep without a light on because you don’t want him to come back. An encounter, cool enough, we all have stories of those; but what if the ball was in your court? Well, for all you lonely people on prom night, I have just the thing for you.
Ouija boards are an awesome way to cure boredom (and create a lifelong friend). You can buy them from some stores—Amazon, garage sales, Walmart (sometimes)—but if you want a real, “authentic” one, you are gonna have to come through me first. I have a stash of the most haunted boards in the country (55 of them too), and I am offering to rent them to whoever needs one for just $400 per summon.
I hope one of these options is your forte, but if it isn’t, that sounds like a you problem. Truthfully, being alone on prom night isn’t a big deal, if you think one night is bad, imagine how the dead people you talk to with your Ouija boards must feel.