by GABRIEL MINICHIELLO (a prisoner of reality, time, and space) - April 19, 2021 - Ten places that shouldn’t be part of your next family vacation.
Spring Break vacations are the type of activity that no true “family” partakes, but then again “family” is a relative term. Regardless of the “family” you find yourself in, this tier list is for you. Now, I might be described as an anti-vacationer in this sense: I can’t ski, I have an irrational fear of planes, the UV rays are out to get me, and as part of a plea deal with the Intergalactic Coalition, I can no longer leave the Milky Way Galaxy. We don’t talk about that last one. That being said, I am widely regarded as a gentleman with immaculate taste, even if that taste is referred to many as “why I can’t hang out with them anymore.”
Regardless of my continuing existence as a social outcast, I thought I would compile, as a gift to humanity, some of my least favorite destinations for the spring break vacation season, and man, are there a lot. This would be the part of the article where I reassure you that this is simply my opinion, but let’s face it, my word is Eternal Law, and there’s no way around it. Enjoy the fruits of my labors.
Number 10: Denver International Airport
To be frank, even if my name is Gabe, Denver International Airport gives me the heebie jeebies. From the 35 foot tall blue mustang statue, nicknamed Blucifer, to the overall Bad Vibe, this place looks like it will confront you with your own morality, and not in a fun way for the kids. Pair that with the fact that the 35 foot tall demon mustang with glowing red eyes killed its creator in a freak accident (this is not fiction), and you’ve got too big of a dose of “stay the heck away from here” for this interstate traveler.
Number 9: The Surface of Venus
Now I know that this one is a little more expensive than the traditional Spring Break romp in Florida, but I see a lot of “tourists” making an overall bad decision when it comes to this vacation spot. Only 867 degrees Fahrenheit on a good day, it’s guaranteed to melt your skin off but not in a Dayton-Beach-I-forgot-to-put-on-sunscreen-and-now-I’m-paying-the-price type of way. Pair that with the inaccessible space travel, and this locale is a good spot for number 9.
Number 8: Sherman Ranch
The worst part about this place is that it's in Utah. The second worst part is the obscene amount of U.F.O. and ghost sightings in the area that have occurred since 1915. Has there been 50 years of unexplainable phenomena, and have all roads and entryways into the area been blocked by a shell corporation of unknown origin? Yes. Are there any dining or hotel options in the area? No. If you and the family can’t get whisked away into the dark on a full stomach and with comfortable lodging options, the destination needs to evaluate its conditions. For this reason, Sherman Ranch receives number 8 on my list.
Number 7: The State of Wyoming
Name three people, places, or things from Wyoming, and when you’re done, get back to me. This place is an empty natural landscape and there’s a reason why it's devoid of people. There’s little to do and even less to see. Don’t even get me started about Yellowstone National Park. It may have Old Faithful, but that geyser is a little too timely in its eruption for this concerned citizen. I’m sure Big Geyser is behind it somehow.
Number 6: World’s Largest Ball of Twine
What is the appeal? I’m not sure, but this destination is truly the crown of Cawker City, Kansas. It's a ball of twine, and apparently. it is now 11 feet tall. Makes a guy think about what they feed this thing. Every year in this town, they have a Wrap-a-Thon, which further increases the girth of this attraction for all to see. Makes a guy think about what is really at the center of this twine ball, and what this little town has to hide….
Number 5: The Walmart Museum
It may surprise the reader that the history of a grocery store may not be the most interesting thing in the world. Within the confines of beautiful downtown Bentonville, Arkansas, The Walmart Museum houses just about exactly what you’d expect. It won’t cost you a dime, but the atmosphere of this “state” will bear down on your soul and leave its mark for years to come. Quick question: Why is it called Arkansaw and not Ar-kansas?
Number 4: Roswell, New Mexico
Pack up and go home. According to the government, there were never any aliens here to begin with and the government would never lie to anyone. Famous for “alien crash landings” in 1947, Roswell is understandably the site of notable controversy. To be fair, if there were supposed “little green men” in the foothills of my town, I’d check it out too. But, there aren’t any aliens here, just a lot of desert and a former FBI agent as mayor. Interesting.
Number 3: Carhenge
This is a bonus location, in the sense that it is actually one of the best vacation spots around. Think of it like a freebie. It's like Stonehenge but with cars. Located in Alliance, Nebraska, this replica of the famous landmark stands proudly as a chrome reminder that some of Earth’s greatest wonders are man-made. If I had my way, Carhenge would stand its vigil until the Earth is enveloped by the exploding remnants of the Sun, but I rarely get my way.
Number 2: Gatlinburg, Tennessee
I’ve been here twice, and I can’t remember anything about both trips. This place assaults you with stores that sell the same merchandise and things I would rather not talk about in an academic setting. Simply put, this place smells like how asparagus looks. A word of the wise to the innocent traveler - don’t tempt fate, and don’t voluntarily step foot in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.
Number 1: Cleveland, Ohio
The river here caught on fire once. I think that sums up the situation well enough. Don’t bring your kids here, and if you can avoid it, never come here. Alan Freed coined the term “rock and roll” here and now my father won’t stop blasting AC/DC. I blame you, Cleveland. You know what you did.
In all, Spring Break vacations are a sham and a farce. Who am I to judge if you ignore my advice? I guess no one. Truthfully, I wrote this article for you, the reader. I hoped you learned something because I sure didn’t. Maybe Blucifer will get me for my insolence.