by KATHRYN MICK - Feb. 2, 2019
it’s a tuesday night and i’m lying on the floor of my bedroom,
thinking about what gives Life meaning
me, thinking about what gives Life meaningー
me, the girl who color codes her closet
and annotates the unnecessary
and fills in the bubbles out of obligation
to a lifestyle she doesn’t remember committing to
but is now somehow a slave toー
me?
oh, Life!
how am i to define you
when i am just beginning to understand you?
it’s the second trimester of senior year
and my inbox is bursting with advice i didn’t ask for
from colleges i didn’t share my information with
i don’t understand you and i don’t know why they think i should
i’m only 17
i got a flat tire in March and drove on it for miles
totally aware of the danger, but going too fast to stop and put the spare on
afraid of being tardy
afraid of confronting something adult-ish
i don’t understand you and i’m hesitant about getting acquainted
i want to be a teacher
and my mom asked if i’d be willing to give my Life
to protect my students one day
ーa job description i’m scared to take on--
and when i hesitated, i felt like a bad person
some days, the grief is paralyzing
the body count is getting higher
the apathy is getting violent
i don’t understand you and i don’t think i want to
but i don’t like saying “i don’t”
and i won’t live in fear of you
i want to be an inspiration
and when i overheard my younger sister telling her friends on facetime
how much she loves spending time with me
i realized how much of an impact our sister-sister date to steak ‘n shake had on her
i don’t understand you, Life, but i like these moments
i have a lot of empathy
and my body tolerates a couple sleepless nights every now and then
but it was when i stayed up with my best friend to talk her off a ledge
that i saw my role in this universe as purposeful, not coincidental,
and that by extending love, i make a difference
i don’t understand you, but maybe i’m beginning to
maybe i should stop trying to find finite answers to infinite questions
and start seeing the unknown as an invitation to explore
i could count the stars before i could contemplate the meaning of Life
and where it comes from
but maybe that means that i should spend my time counting stars
and let the meaning of Life come to me when it is time for me to understand