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Gourmet burger joint opens in Westfield

Audrey Roeder

Staff Writer 

May 13, 2024

I was driving down the street of SR-32 when I was taken aback by an exquisite establishment known as McDonald’s. The exterior of said establishment was so compelling I had to make an expeditious trip. The ivory stone complimented the bright mahogany brick finely and I’d like to mention the exquisite contrast of the yellow rectangular metallic-awning. Although I favor the Queen Anne architectural style, I can appreciate the modern Quadrangleesque of the building. I pulled my automobile into a spot located adjacent to the transparent entrance, which I would like to point out was soiled with fingerprints (which I assume are from a congregation of adolescents). 

I continued my trek into the noshery and was met with the forceful aroma of what I imagined was oil. I made my way to the cash register where I lingered for quite a few minutes. As I stood there I took the diminutive customer service as an opportunity to scrutinize the interior. It took all of two seconds to be unquestionably revolted at the cleanliness of this building. The floor was littered with an abundance of rubbish. Almost every table had a plentitude of crumbs and scraps sown across the tabletop. Absolutely satiated by the dining area, I directed my attention towards the kitchen, in hopes of catching the attention of one of the lethargic employees. A young woman in a grisly gray apron turned her attention towards me just to boorishly direct her attention back to her phone. Wholly taken aback, I lashed my head around in complete disbelief at this young lady’s behavior. In the mists of whipping my head around the room, my eyes stumbled upon an astronomically massive screen, which I later learned was the only way I would be able to place an order.

I walked closer to the contraption and promptly noticed the filth that laid upon the screen. At this point, I was so revolted by the filthiness of this restaurant, if you could even call it that, I was going to remove myself from the premises; however, I refrained. I tentatively reached for the screen. Once my finger made contact with the device, the screen changed, revealing millions of food options. I was in complete dismay at the amount of options this establishment provided. I started tapping through all the choices, thoroughly flummoxed by how every option looked distasteful yet somehow still captivated my interest. 

After spending a momentous amount of time gingerly reading every item in its entirety, I placed my order. I anticipated that I would not be returning to this establishment anytime soon, if ever, so I ordered a multitude of items. My order consisted of one Filet-O-Fish, a four-piece Chicken McNugget with a side of medium fries, a Shamrock Shake, and what seemed to be the most vulgar, but also most sought-after item, the Big Mac. I was dumbfounded that it was feasible get so much food for only $14.06. In fact, I was so bewildered I began to become even more suspicious of this noshery. 

It took all of five minutes for the brutish woman in the apron to throw a tray down on the grey countertop while yelling, “Order 97” before scurrying back into the kitchen and out of sight. I promptly realized that the tray was occupying my food. I seized the brown, greasy paper bag and my drink. I made my way over to the horrific dining area, scouring the room for the cleanest table I could possibly find. Finally finding a decently clean table in the back of the establishment, I placed my food down on the table and prepared myself to eat whatever was in the bag. 

I sat down on the fake wood bench, which was excruciating to sit on. I pulled my silk handkerchief out of my pocket and tucked it into my shirt while mentally preparing myself for what I was about to endure. I peeked into the bag and started pulling out my food, each item looked as ghastly and repugnant as the next. As it was the least nauseating item out of the bunch, I decided to try the Chicken McNuggets first.

I opened the small cardboard box and picked up a boot-shaped chicken nugget. Biting a small piece off and closing my eyes, I started my eating experience. While thoroughly chewing the meat, I began to question if I was even eating meat. The texture of the nugget was so unlike any other piece of chicken I’ve had, I began to feel fearful of what I was eating. Put off by the idea of the chicken nuggets, I hastily finished the piece that was still situated in my mouth. Although I do not fancy the consistency or taste of the chicken-like meat itself, I thought the crunch of the outer breading was pleasant. That being said I will not be purchasing the chicken nuggets again, that is if I return to the place again.


Hopeful that this establishment had something better to offer than the Chicken McNuggets, I peered into the bag and pulled out a bright red fry container with the iconic McDonalds logo printed on the front. To my surprise the fries were quite lanky and pale, similarly to myself. As I pulled one of the fries out of the packaging I was flabbergasted at the length of the fry. Fascinated by the item I popped one in my mouth. After a couple short seconds of chewing, my taste buds were hit with an overwhelming flavor of salt. Typically, I find an overpowering flavor of salt unenjoyable, but for this dish, it was acceptable, as the fries would significantly lack flavor without it. Although the fries were quite enjoyable, I noticed my stomach beginning to feel queasy as I ate more fries, so I had to refrain myself from indulging in anymore. Lastly, I noticed the fries became quite cold quite fast so I would recommend eating as many as your stomach can bear before you start eating the other courses of your meal.

The next item I tackled was the Filet-O-Fish.The name of this dish alone repelled me most, that was until I opened the box. A malodorous smell of fake seafood wafted out of the box. I have never been more sickened by a piece of food in my life, I began to self-reflect on my decision to eat the disgrace of a food that lay before me. While taking a deep breath, I picked up the sandwich and shoved a minute piece into my mouth, chewing swiftly in hopes that this torture would be over soon. The sandwich was so rancid I snatched the Shamrock shake from the table and started gulping it down. I immediately grabbed the sandwich, marched over to the rubbish bin, and disposed of the garbage that was in my hand seconds prior.  I feel as if it is not necessary for me to go into detail about my feelings for the sandwich. However, I will say that it is a disgrace to call that food and truthfully I feel as if that fish, if the sandwich even had any real fish, was served an injustice. That fish lived for what?! To be turned into the most disgusting piece of food ever known to man?! It’s a disgrace, an absolute disgrace. That being said, I must draw my attention back to the Shamrock Shake previously mentioned. The first few swigs were awful as I still had Filet-O-Fish residue lingering in my mouth, but after the quaff had washed down the fish I thought it was truly enjoyable. Although the mint flavor tasted immensely artificial, I was quite keen on it. Not only was I fond of the taste, I was delighted by the consistency of the shake, as it was viscous and smooth. Even though the Filet-O-Fish and the Shamrock shake did not pair well together, I will not hold that against the drink.

At this point, I was irritated simply by the thought of having to eat another item from this abysmal place, but I knew I owed it to the readers to fight through the misery that was occurring in my abdomen. 

I simply wanted this dreadful experience to be over with so I clutched the horrific-looking Big Mac in my hand, raised it to my mouth, and took a decent-sized bite. As I chewed the burger my eyebrows raised in delight, my taste buds sang with joy, and my mind filled with a type of confusion I’d never experienced before. The Big Mac was good? I thought, this cannot be. How in God’s name could something from the rubbish of a restaurant actually be edible let alone enjoyable?! Completely taken aback, I stared into the heart and soul of this burger before devouring the rest of it. This burger was unlike any other I’d had before, granted I’d never had a cheeseburger prior to this day. Although I do believe the burger is not true ground beef, the other ingredients make up for it. I particularly liked the minced onions and slices of pickles that snuck into each bite. And I’d like to give a particular shoutout to the sauce that lay within the burger buns and patty. I could not quite pinpoint what the sauce was, as it was a completely new taste to me, but it was truly magnificent. It was so ravishing I had to stop myself from asking a staff member what the sauce was. 

I digress, the burger was the only enjoyable thing about this establishment and it is the only reason I will ever return again in the future. Everything else about this establishment was repulsive. So much so that when I return for another Big Mac, I will be using the drive-through system as I never want to step inside a place with the same cleanliness stature as my Great Uncle Charles’s bathroom.

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