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The seven levels of BMV H-E (double hockey sticks)

A journey not for the faint of heart

Elizabeth Schuth

Feature Editor

November 3, 2022

Looks Can be Deceiving- The innocent facade on the outside of local BMV distracts from the

horrors within.

Getting a driver’s license is a classic coming-of-age moment; with a driver’s license you are blessed with newfound independence, an empty bank account thanks to gas prices, and in my case a full-time job as my little sister’s Starbucks chauffeur. Now for some of you non-experienced, naive, wide-eyed dreamers, a driver’s license seems like a simple task; however, after a long month of battle and four tries to get my license I can attest this is not a task for the faint of heart. So here’s my step-by-step guide to surviving the BMV and the horrors that lie within.

Early Birds:

According to the official BMV website, you should plan to arrive fifteen minutes in advance for your driving exam. Now, this is all well and good, but consider this, nuclear bombs have exploded in less than fifteen minutes, earthquakes have devastated civilization as we know it in less than fifteen minutes, anything could happen in fifteen minutes. While the BMV doesn’t have any nuclear bombs or natural disasters (hopefully), it has something much more lethal: the early birds. These are the people who are early no matter what and will do whatever it takes to be on time. You may think you’re early, but the early birds will be first, lined all the way down the sidewalk, blocking the door, and killing your dreams of making your appointment. My advice: camp out several days in advance and make a plan of attack.


The government loves nothing more than paperwork. You should be prepared to bring not only your learner's permit and driver’s log, but your social security information, every report card from preschool up, and receipts from every purchase you’ve ever made at Walmart.

More Paperwork:

The last thing in the way of you taking your driver’s test is the loyalty test. If you somehow manage to make it this far in the process, you’ll be pulled into the back room for a causal interrogation. You’ll be forced to sign a few contracts in your blood declaring loyalty to the BMV, the Traffic Regulation Society, the FBI, the FDA, the CDC, and of course the USA. Once you are determined a communist-hating, good-upstanding- patriot of this country, you will proceed to the driving test.

Road Rage:

Like any good test of skill, you will have to prove yourself in battle. The road is a dangerous place, and being a good driver in today’s world means being able to take out any threats you may face with the use of a single car key. During the test, you will have to demonstrate safe vehicle control in a high-speed chase, proper attack stances in at least five martial arts, and how to use roundabouts to lose tails.

Hopefully, these four tips will have you properly prepared and ready to drive in no time!

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