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The Five Things You Will Hear From Every College

Updated: May 29, 2020

by SAMANTHA ENGLAND (a prospective college student)

1. Target (Insert Other Basic Supply Store) After Dark is Quirky

Let’s be real. Schools really think they’re doing something when they put Target After Dark in the orientation schedule. The second most common is Bed Bath and Beyond. I really appreciate this one because I’m sure I will forget some college essentials, just as they predicted. However, I cannot just let it slide that they all act like this is the fun, quirky thing that makes their colleges unique. So take note friends: it’s okay to forget stuff. But there are 2,000 Targets in the world. And by mere concept? You and I both know there are infinite Targets.

2. We Are Actually the Most Diverse Place on the Planet

Imagine being a college. Presenting information to prospective students. And choosing to take a break from stats or facts to discuss some vague vocabulary terms regarding diversity that literally do not sound real. Now PSA, I’m not by any means against this one either. I simply cannot comprehend how white frat boy #3 is qualified to say the word “Embracement Convocation.” I don’t think anyone is qualified to say that. Because I don’t think anyone actually knows what it means. However, diversity is cool, and I can’t really diss a college for trying to shout that out beyond a pie chart. Just use a different word. And a different spokesman. And a different approach.

3. If You Take Your Lover to This Spot You Will Be Married

Okay, I didn’t believe this would be a constant either. When I heard about it on my first visit to “Unnamed University,” I thought it was cute. If you kiss on this hill, at this time, you will fall in love forever. But then it happened at the next school. If you ask someone out here they will say yes. And then the next four. And on the extremely rare occasion that a school didn't have this spot, they had one where you touch a statue and gain magical final-taking powers. As I’m writing these I’m starting to realize I’m not actually mad about it, they’re all kind of fun. Just absolutely 0 percent a unique reason to attend a specific college.

4. We Support Your Lack of Sleep

The library, dining hall, and lounge hours are specially designed for your tragic all-nighters. Especially during finals week. There are no rules, only chaos, and institution-subsidized caffeine. I don’t have much to say about this one, except for the fact that no one sleeps ever, anywhere. Is this an atrocious generalization? Yes. Is it also quite possibly the most basic college stereotype and one that every single school will cater to? You betcha.

5. We Have All the Clubs, But You Can Also Make a Club

Your cheerful tour guide will eventually discuss the extracurricular opportunities that are absolutely special and amazing and once-in-a-lifetime. They will undoubtedly give you the grand total of current clubs, which is usually over 100 even at the smallest of schools. But then comes the epitome of all college visits, in which they say the sentence: “But if you don’t see something you like, you can make your own club! All you need is a faculty sponsor and at least one other member.” I call this the epitome because I most definitely heard this sentence, verbatim, from all 8 colleges I visited in person. I know you wouldn’t, random reader, but don’t you dare go to a college because you think they have the best clubs. But if you were to, it better be for a squirrel-watching club. Ladies and gents, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

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