Step aside, Cupid: Love can be bought on Valentine’s Day

Spencer Isaacs

Staff Writer

February 18, 2022


It’s a problem as old as time: you’re alone on Valentine’s day while all of your friends are out on their hot dates at a fondue place. But there’s hope for you.


Don’t feel like spending yet another February 14th in a dark room alone with the only light coming from Instagram post notifications that cast a faint glow on your frowning face, covered in the sticky stains of sweet ice cream and the salty, spiteful tears that swell up as you view all of the happy couples celebrating their enduring love? That’s never happened to me before, and it won’t happen to you again. Here are some products from Amazon that will guarantee your feelings are reciprocated.


A funny-looking Chubby Blob Seal Pillow


This little guy proves that those big, environmentally-damaging companies were right all along— people really do like plush animals more than real ones. Take a look at how pinchable he is. In fact, you can do anything you want to him. If your crush has any psychopathic tendencies, rest assured that this plush toy’s all-too-realistic little face and round kickable body make him the perfect outlet for any of their sadistic torture fantasies. You can even turn their red flags into the red flame of love by dropping him from a tall building together. Best of all, this plushy little victim is only $16.99.



This flannel Tortilla Blanket that isn’t actually edible


If you’re the type of person that would love to pretend to be some type of food with your crush, then this is the perfect gift for you. We all know that nothing is more romantic than pretending to be cheese. Why not take your cheese roleplay to the next level by hiding inside an actual cozy quesadilla? Any crush with discerning taste will see the many potential uses of this gift. It can be a parachute for your next skydiving adventure or a towel for your summer beach trip. What can’t be done with a giant tortilla?



This Multi-Tool that looks like a gift card or something at first glance


In this uncertain world, at least one thing is certain: everyone loves to receive gift cards. So imagine your crush’s surprise and elation when they open your package and realize the card-shaped object you’ve given them is actually not money to buy things they want, but instead a cheap card-shaped survival tool! Studies have proven that young people today prefer experiences to material goods and have also proven that stressful experiences can bring people closer together. What experience is more stressful than getting lost in the woods, far from civilization? No romantic fight for survival is complete without a small gadget to cut twigs and fend off the howling creatures of the night as you enjoy a nightmarish wilderness encounter with that special someone. You can even catch a few fish to show off (not with this tool, though).


Hopefully, you can now see that online retailers know love better than anyone. Just make sure you pay for same-day delivery.


Photos courtesy of Amazon.com


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