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Local Hot Dog Chain Buys High School

A new investment for this booming business

Lantern Staff

Staff writers

May 12, 2023

Westfield has many wonderful assets. It has a great location near Grand Park, and teenagers would love the retro diner right down the street from the high school. Yet, the owner of the leading hot dog chain in Westfield, Ms. Slizabeth Echuth, said there was still something missing.

Ms. Echuth says they want to expand their audience and maximize profits. What better way than to bring the business to the students? You heard it here first: Echuth Hotdogs is buying Westfield High School. This just in: an exclusive interview with the owner, Ms. Echuth, herself.

Q: What was it like to buy Westfield high school?

A: It was really nice. It’s got a cool layout.

Q: What potential did you see in Westfield high school that you wanted for yourself?

A; There’s nothing more dangerous than a hungry teenager.

The American Dream - Hot dog sales have skyrocketed and become a staple in the American diet. Their next step? World domination.

Q: How will you improve the high school?

A: We will be abolishing textbooks, and replacing them with hot dog stands. We’ll put laxatives in the regular school to make sure people are buying food from the hot dog stands, which will help the local economy.

Q: How do you plan to make the student experience better?

A: Well… hot dogs.

Q: How will hot dogs make students want to learn?

A: There have been many scientific studies at Harvard and Yale and other smart places that prove that students who eat more, smart more.

Q: How will you account for the hamburger competition in the market?

A: So Hamburgers are a [leading competitor], but I think as soon as we put up the educational posters that explain what exactly goes into a hamburger, maybe a couple of cow skulls and pictures of cows about to be slaughtered, I think it’ll really push people to our side. It’ll make them forget that our hot dogs are beef too.

Q: How will you account for vegetarians?

A: That’s a personal decision. But for vegetarians, we will serve them regular hot dogs and tell them they are the “beyond” hot dogs.

Q: What would spirit weeks look like?

A: We would really up the high school spirit. Instead of having pajama day, tropical day, or whatever you guys come up with, we would have hot dog day, chocolate cake shake day-- that’s a thing, right? Anyway, there would also be relish day, ketchup day. I think these would be spirit days that would really add to the morale to the high school in a way that we haven’t seen before.

Q: What kind of morale do you foresee in your vision?

A: Economic benefits.

Q: Do you plan to change the high school name?

A: Echuth’s. Or “Westfield High School Sponsored by Echuth’s”.

Q: Will there be a new principal or leadership team? A: I don’t know, Mr. Weenie? Mr. Weiner? I don’t know, do we have a mascot? I’ve never been.

Q: Would you change the school colors?

A: The school colors would be that nasty, red-pinkish hot dog color, and then some yellow for the mustard—so Brebeuf pastel colors.

Q: Is there anything else you’d like to share?

A: Blue is my favorite color.

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