by ALEC JACKSON - April 12, 2021 - Vampires of the Internet told off
The sun cast the kind of glow which weaves through the clouds until it eventually forms a soft blanket. Not too warm, but warm enough to conjure memories of summers that will never be recaptured. I noticed a feather caught in the shrubs. It was not beautiful; it did not have to be. In that moment of peace, I was happy. And then I saw it.
Gerold R. had taken a moment from his day with the goal of providing a little cultural analysis to the people of Etsy.com. His topic of meditation? The artisanal soaps carved from my soul, turned to lye, and placed onto the virtual shelves of Etsy.
He had the following to say (Author’s note: read it in an annoying voice):
“I worked as a lavender sommelier (Yes, it’s a thing in France) for seven years. This lavender- peppermint combination was uninspired and derivative of the offerings from the Dove soap company. Order this soap if you hate experiencing wonder and excitement. The lavender is bland while the peppermint is sloppily executed.” - Gerold R.
While Gerold seems to know a great deal about the sense of smell, he appears to have forgotten about the Etsy terms of service. How do you think the package arrived at your house, Gerold? Wouldn’t someone have to know your address? Another fact about Etsy sellers, we have nothing going for us but this one thing, and it’s barely a thing. A customer takes this away, and we have nothing to lose.
He mentioned the Dove soap company, and in the artisan digital utility crafts industry, there is no bigger red flag for posers. Only an absolute chump would deprive themselves of a trip to the fantastical world of scent by purchasing a bland corporate excretion. While Dove offers both lavender and peppermint, they do not offer the two together. Saying my product is derivative is like saying Joe Joe’s (Trader Joe’s take on Oreos) is ripping off Oreos when they’re actually completely different. One is a cookie and creme product, and the other is a chocolate cookie and creme snackable dessert. That makes you wrong again, Gerold.
It also seems like lavender sommelier isn’t a thing other than a Facebook group that hasn’t been active since 2017. The concept sounds more like a Simpsons cutaway gag than an actual job. Enough about Gerold! While I’m at it, there are still other customer reviews and comments I need to address.
“I live on Maple Drive and it took three weeks to ship. Not worth it when you have to wait that long!” - Lerg J.
I’ll give Lerg a pass on this one because I imagine after a long day of existing as someone named Lerg, it’s easy to have a lapse in understanding. Every time someone asks “Lerg? Is that written down right?” the walls close in a little bit. Every time someone wonders aloud, “Is Lerg short for a real name?” the walls inch closer and closer until it explodes into a vicious Etsy review. We have time for one final comment.
“I’m really nervous about licking this stamp later. I keep thinking maybe I’ll slip down the stairs with my tongue out and crash through a bottle of open honey thereby coating my tongue with the irresistible nectar. Unfortunately, stinging insects would then sting my tongue causing it to swell. Later, at the bowling alley my boss could hear my impeded speech and decide I’m not dynamic enough to be promoted.” -Excerpt, Jenny Q.
It’s not really a review, but I appreciate the innovative new approach to the Etsy comment section. If you need a place to voice vague yearnings or spiral out of control then the comments are officially open for business.
Other than someone who is rocking the digital utility artisanal craft industry, I like to think of myself as a shepherd of souls. This is certainly a soul which could benefit from some light shepherding. My first tip would be to order pure caffeine from China. It will come in a little plastic bottle as wispy white fuzz. There will be no doubts to your status as the office dynamo if your heart can survive the punishment.
I would also take some time to ponder if you really need to lick the stamp. It seems inevitable that the act will lead to disaster, so any alternative would be great. Maybe you could hand deliver it?
I feel that I have successfully defended my honor against the instigators and critics of Esty.com. I will continue to make these until the end of time.