Green vs Gold: America Divided

Updated: Oct 10

by ALEC JACKSON - October 7, 2020 - Jokes about returning to school after COVID-19


We all remember when the message fell like lightning into our emails just a few months ago. In an instant, the student body was bifurcated into a gold or green team by the razor blade of sensible public health policy.


Within hours people took to Instagram making jokes about one team hating another, or perhaps just to have a laugh at the use of the word “team” for high schoolers. Unfortunately, these jokes were not funny and even worse, we could be in for months of this.


Others have dramatically voiced concerns about being separated from friends like a character in the cold open of a horror movie; however, Gold team member Simon Fields (12) is not among them.


“I’m worried we’ll have classes on zoom like poser sellouts,” Fields said. “I’d like to have them on vinyl so I can hear a wider range of frequencies. It’s really the only way to experience Intro to 2D Art.”


The more diction-oriented among us, including Thomas Piggot (12), have criticized the administration’s inconsistent use of a word to identify the teams.


“At first it was teams, like the green team, but then in the official back to school document, they used ‘cohorts,’” Piggot said. “Cohorts? I didn’t realize we’ve been attending Harvard. After all of that they switched it again on the first day announcements!”


Many parents are alarmed by the idea of spending a significant amount of time this school year in an online classroom. These claims appear to be supported by a recent study showing only 29% of 2020 graduates could correctly shove someone into a locker or act out any of the other four most important high school film cliches. An anonymous alarmed parent expressed her concerns without prompting.


“High school was the greatest time of my life,” she said. “We mostly thought of wild ways to have fun and pull hilarious pranks on the freshmen. It is completely unfair that current students will not be able to drop a fish or other perishable food into the hot car of the dean if he or she acts like a square. What are you gonna do? Sue me? It was the ‘80s—anything could happen, man.”


The Internet has been failing with some degree of regularity for the gold team members while largely leaving the green team alone. This has led many to speculate what the cause of the problem could be. The latest polls show Carmel, Jupiter’s gravitational pull, and Willy Wonka as the most popular theories among the general public, but the night man has held a rock solid 1% position for weeks.


Green or gold, we’re not that different after all. We all believe in the night man, and we’re all into online pep rallies. Maybe the reason the Internet isn’t working is that it’s upset we’re not together.

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